Buttkickin’ Halloween Songs: “Everything Happens To Me” — Spike Jones (1959)

When I was first constructed back in 1929
They had a hundred scientists, all working overtime
They even had a Graveyard Shift on my assembly line
Everything happens to me

They mixed me up with strangers and they didn’t care what kind
They stuck a bolt right through my neck and fastened it behind
But when they dropped my brain, that’s when I almost lost my mind
Everything happens to me…

As it stands in the grand swing of things, when Frankenstein’s Monster starts singing his own take on a classic Sinatra standard, we are already in prime awesomeness territory.

But as written and arranged by the wondrous Spike Jones, and sung by the equally wondrous Paul Frees, this 1959 take on Everything Happens To Me just rockets into the Halloween stratosphere.

I mean, this is Spike Jones and Paul Frees! Together! For those of you not familiar with either, Spike was one of the premier American musicians and bandleaders, and the genius behind a host of comedy and novelty bits on radio, television, and of course in recorded works. If you’ve heard Der Fuehrer’s Face or All I Want For Christmas, you’re familiar with the work of Spike Jones. The man was a musical comic legend, and funny as hell. Maybe a bit corny and dated and old-fashioned by today’s standards, but still funny as hell.

Paul Frees was one of the most versatile actors, singers, impressionists, and voice actors, known as “The Man of A Thousand Voices”. He did a metric ton of animated films and television cartoons, from Boris Badenov (“Moose and Skvirrel!!”) to Santa Claus in Frosty The Snowman to the Burgermeister Meisterburger in Santa Claus Is Coming To Town… I could just keep going.

But for insatiable Disney nerds like me, he was not only Ludwig von Drake and the narrator for multiple classic “Wonderful World of Disney” episodes… he was also the Ghost Host from The Haunted Mansion. You know the one? “Welcome, foolish mortals…” indeed!

Put these two mad geniuses together, have them satirize a American jazz standard popularized by Frank Sinatra throughout the years, and reframe it as Frankenstein’s Monster lamenting the complete unluckiness of his very existence, and you have this brilliant alt-take on Everything Happens To Me. This is a Halloween must-listen, as even the scariest of monsters, ghoulies, and meanies take a break from spookin’ your brains out and share a smoke and a drink and their wistful woe. Poor dears.

I never get invited out, unless it’s Halloween
When people see my kisser, they turn every shade of green
And when I go to movies, all the actors leave the screen
Everything happens to me…

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